Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
You Might Also Like
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
my mind
You just read my mind
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏