Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
who will stop them
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Very good news from my accountant
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.