Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Breakfast for Stoners:
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.