Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now