Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
thanks auntie mary
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer