Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢