@aka_fatman: Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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@johngcaldwell4: Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!
@michaelianblack: Common courtesy: don't bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.