Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
guys I’m going home
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Happens to everyone.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes