I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in