So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Not messing around