Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character