Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
You Might Also Like
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
going to the ER y’all need anything
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.