Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.