SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
is this a warning or an offer?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If you know, you know
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.