Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.