Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin