Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
You Might Also Like
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.