Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”