Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
What if the weather talks about us?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?