[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I’M CRYINGGG
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me trying to walk in a dream
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.