[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.