*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My teenage children choosing violence
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation