*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Happy Star Wars day!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny