*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.