surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
You Might Also Like
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Venn
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*seductively eats two tums*