Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
That’s amazing.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying