Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
PLOT TWIST:
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.