Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?