Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
welp
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.