Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
new record!
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.