*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house