Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”