Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Some people were born into their job.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house