[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The Joker was right
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When you try jalapeños for the first time
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing