[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
When someone trying to leave me
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
A flock of dads is called a grill.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”