[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
won’t smith
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.