We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts