Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
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me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
me
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now