@beermanboobs: Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you're dead.
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@robfee: Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
@iLikeCatShirts: Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption. *Gary pole vaults past us*
@BuckyIsotope: Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.