Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.