@weinerdog4life: Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
@GrantTanaka: During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
@internetluke: My work day - 8:00-11:30 - wonder what I'll eat for lunch today 11:30 - 12:00 - eat lunch 12:00 - 4:30 - Damn lunch was good.
@mrsjohngoodman: Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok