@weinerdog4life: Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me
@hellohappy_time: [me when I see a dog walking alone without a leash] exactly who is representing you my lad
@Book_Krazy: "It's one of those new Hoverboards!" 9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together. "Don't be silly. Now go vacuum...I mean play upstairs"
@abbycohenwl: Me: What's your dad do? Kid: My dad? He's an actor Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?