Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.