@weinerdog4life: Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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@Tierno158: When I refer to kids as "Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan" I hope you realize I'm not referring specifically to YOUR children.
@Glorificus917: When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
@JaySuch: My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don't go to Disney.