Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Good morning.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Passed by a old school Math example today.