[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?