[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
get you a girl who
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.