@bridger_w: Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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@EvanJKessler: If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
@jonnysun: [whole foods] WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice
@WildeThingy: Boss "I'm looking for a volunteer." Me *chops off own legs "I can't!" Co-worker "I'm busy, sorry." Me "damn, that's a better excuse."
@Sean_Burgundy_: I don't get why some girls don't make airplane noises before putting their tampons in