@redrose0117: Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
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@SardonicTart: [Friend who gave birth a week ago] "I'm on the treadmill!" [Me who gave birth 18 years ago] "My tailbone still hurts"
@onion_an: [at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel] Date: The wine is lovely great choice Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
@MumsieEsq: When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"
@mommy_cusses: When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.