@redrose0117: Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
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@hazelmotes1: I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
@FrogAvalanche: *inside camp-out tent* "Wanna hear-" *puts torch under chin* "-a scary story?" *flicks torch on, it vibrates* "OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH."
@EndhooS: [1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?
@wolfpupy: i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day