My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
You Might Also Like
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
A little too much information.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
my dad when a sex scene comes on
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.