Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
the Monday after daylight savings
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.