Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
You Might Also Like
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
marvel comics have peaked
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.