Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
You Might Also Like
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field