[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
no refunds
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.