[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
And bowling should be called pinball
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?