@envydatropic: Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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@Cheeseboy22: I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, "WAIT, THERE'S DONUTS?" and I say, "Sorry, last one!" and then eat it.
@ProdigyNelson: *girl calls me daddy* *hammer appears in my hand* "oh no" *I start building a deck* "what have you done" *grill turns itself on*
@LittleMissZesty: Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it's the next big thing.
@matt_simpson84: My wife and I have an ongoing game called "Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House" that she doesn't know we are playing