@envydatropic: Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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@DamienFahey: Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"
@michelleisawolf: George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
@mompsychologist: Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom. 4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
@drinksmcgee: They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.