Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
so much to do
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex