*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.