Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Sharon I have some bad news
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: